i think ppl fail when they try to put my experiences in the context of larger narratives abt queerness and islam, sex and sexuality bc its too fused together for that to work
i am constantly surprised by ppl who i consider to be close friends who explain my erratic actions and behaviors via flat narratives abt coming out and acting out as a sign of immaturity or not healing the right way. im always shocked by how pervasive linear narratives of healing become internalized to the point where i cant share my craziness and contradictions w those that i trust n love w o them attempting to copy and paste those complexities into a framework of lung constricting heart censoring overly intellectualized pathologized discourse
Driving while under the influence of depression and self-loathing can apparently be dangerous. I lost control of my car after I was hit by an intense realisation of who I am and the body I occupy.
It’s interesting how I instinctively try to occupy less space during such days. I slouch, cower in my seat, sleep in a foetal position. It feels like my existence is an affront to the world.
"It has rained for five days
the world is
a round puddle
of sunless water
where small islands
are only beginning to cope
a young boy
in my garden
is bailing out water
from his flower patch
when I ask him why
he tells me
young seeds that have not seen sun
and drown easily"
— Audre Lorde, Coping (via ethiopienne)
when you really wish someone would come spend the weekend cooking for you, giving you cuddles, kisses, lots of alcohol, massages and just be lazy with you in bed watching movies, playing with your hair and telling you all the lies in the world like how pretty and cute you are. that kind of affection is so needed when you are just that exhausted your body is just a ghost/shell of a person it needs reminding of feeling/being real/human/not empty.
"In 2009, after tireless lobbying by the HRC, Barack Obama signed into law the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act. A response to the horrific killing of Matthew Shepard, this act expanded on the 1960 US federal hate crime law to include crimes prompted by a victim’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability (US Senate, 2009). It aimed to protect LGBT rights by providing millions of dollars to enhance police and prosecutorial resources (Spade, 2011, p. 89). This law, however, was also the rider to the controversial National Defense Authorization Act for the fiscal year of 2010, an act that had authorized $680 billion for the Pentagon in the fiscal year 2010, making it the largest military budget ever (Martin, 2009/10/30). Therefore when people were rallying around what they considered to be the advancement of gay civil rights in the US, they were also rallying around increased US military spending, as well as military expansion overseas (US Senate, 2009)"
— Queers of War: Homonationalism, Militarism, and Imperialism, Hilary King
Whenever I start having doubts about the viability of my queer existence, I remind myself that “it gets better” and switch to hating on the homonormative, homonationalist politics of gay rights instead